Yasmin Benoit doesn’t fit your expectations - and that’s the point.
Co-Founder of Asexuality Day (6 April - mark it lingerie lovers) - and award-winning Asexual activist, writer, speaker and lingerie model - Yasmin takes us inside her mind, as we celebrate five years of visibility since its 2021 launch.
For those new to the term, how do you define asexuality in your own words?
Asexuality means when you experience little-to-no sexual attraction towards anyone, regardless of their gender. It’s a type of sexual orientation, even if it isn’t necessarily orientated anywhere!
Yasmin wearing Pegasus Slip
What’s the biggest misconception people have about asexuality?
The biggest misconception is that it’s a problem - that it’s some sort of affliction, or a limitation, something that should be fixed. People think it’s having something physically or mentally wrong with you, whether it’s a side-effect, a mental issue, a hormonal imbalance, or a problematic attitude towards sex or other people. It’s none of those things, it’s just how the cookie crumbled.
How did you first come to understand your own identity as asexual?
I realised I was asexual when everyone else realised that they weren’t - so I first started to notice it as I approached my teenage years, but didn’t discover the term until I was about 14/15. I knew the term ‘asexual’ fit me but I didn’t know if I fit the community it came with or the context it operated within. I wasn’t able to come out ‘successfully’ until I was in my 20s, because no one believed me on the basis of my appearance and my race before then. I wasn’t sure if I could identify as asexual or fit into the community because it seemed so aligned with whiteness. It wasn’t until I started my activism that I started to find my place.
What does sexual attraction mean, and what does it mean to not experience it?
That’s a difficult question to ask someone who has never experienced it! But I have been pretty fortunate to be able to speak about sexuality with so many people, many of which aren’t asexual to understand their perspective. What I’ve gathered is that it’s the desire for a person sexually, to involve them in your sexuality, to express your sexuality with them, for it to be tied to them in some way. In not experiencing that, the sexuality I do have is independent of anyone else, which I think is a very freeing thing!
Yasmin wearing Pegasus Bralette and Thong
Can you talk about the diversity within the asexuality community?
Asexuality is a very whitewashed orientation in the way it’s represented. You tend not to see the diversity of it - media representation is mainly concerned with asexual people who are young, white, English or American, those who still have romantic relationships and might still be sexually available.
Asexual people exist all over the world, we have different ages, races, genders, languages, religions, as well as different ways that we experience asexuality. Like everything, it’s a spectrum - some experience a little bit of sexual attraction, some don’t, some experience romantic attraction, some don’t, some might participate in some sexual activities alone or with others, some don’t.
You’re both asexual and a lingerie model, how do you challenge the assumption that lingerie equals sexual availability?
Lingerie is literally just defined as ‘women’s underwear or nightclothes.’ It’s just an item of clothing, it doesn’t hold any inherent meaning, it’s just a matter of branding. I do think there was a point where lingerie was branded as being something women got to please their male partners, but I also don’t think that has ever reflected reality. As a society, we’re coming to terms with the fact that women can just enjoy things for themselves, and I’ve been able to spread that message because my asexuality directly challenges the idea that someone would only wear lingerie to communicate their sexual availability.
Lingerie is one of the most intimate items of clothing because feeling good in it is essential to its purpose. It either has to feel comfortable or it has to compliment your body in a way that is specific to you. An outerwear jacket doesn’t have to enhance or support your body the way lingerie does. It isn’t tailored to you the way lingerie is. Regardless of who is going to see you in it, if anyone, lingerie’s sole purpose is to flatter and support who is wearing it.
Yasmin wearing Ménage à Trois Corset
What does feeling “sexy” mean to you, if anything? Is there a difference between sexy, sensual, and sexual?
Being sexual is more of a tangible action. Being sensual is more of a feeling. Being sexy is an observation. For me, sexy isn’t a quality a person has and it isn’t a feeling. Sexy is a vibe. It’s an aesthetic. It’s a style. It might be the cut of a piece of fabric that takes it from cute to sexy. But it’s also entirely subjective, often in the eye of the beholder, as it means and looks like different things to different people. I just don’t shy from it. Sexy isn’t a bad thing, it isn’t a scary thing, it isn’t an association that bothers me. I don’t think it’s better or worse than anything else.
How does fashion, especially lingerie, allow you to express yourself?
It’s about not having a limitation. I’ve never liked the idea that I can’t wear something because of a characteristic of mine that I did not choose. When I was younger, I was told that I couldn’t wear gothic fashion because I’m Black. Then it was that I can’t wear anything that seems ‘sexy,’ because I’m asexual. People should be able to wear whatever the hell they want.
Yasmin wearing Pegasus Bralette and Thong
Do you think society confuses self-expression with sexual invitation? How do you personally navigate that?
Unfortunately, that is still the case. I underestimated how much of an issue that was when I first came out, I didn’t think that me working as a model and being asexual would be that much of a talking point. I thought we were beyond thinking that certain clothes must be a sexual invitation, or thinking that you can only dress a certain way depending on what your sexual orientation is. Then I started getting thousands of comments saying that I can’t be asexual because of how I dress and that it’s a mixed message for me to look ‘sexy’ to someone while being asexual. Unfortunately, we are still in an age where ‘what was she wearing?’ is a question people ask to justify or explain unsolicited sexual advances, or worse. The only way you can navigate that is by setting an example. Confusion is an opportunity for education, and it’s allowed me to change people’s minds, even if I’ve had to shock some people at first.
Why is visibility for asexual people, so important?
We are about 1-2% of the population - that might not sound like a lot of people, but there’s roughly the same number of people with red hair and people with green eyes. The chances are that most people know someone who is on the asexual spectrum. It’s a normal variation in sexuality, one that more people are identifying with every day. And yet, despite the rest of the progress other LGBTQ+ identities get, we still have to deal with a lot of stigma, even from people who consider themselves as being pretty liberal allies. Asexual people are some of the least likely to be out and some of the most likely to get negative reactions when we do come out. If we’re going to move towards a more accepting society where people aren’t treated like their non-heteronormative sexuality is a problem that needs fixing, then asexuality needs the same visibility as other orientations.
Have you felt pressure to “prove” or defend your identity? How do you respond to that?
I have no interest in proving my asexuality at this point. People either believe it or they don’t. I get scepticism all the time and always have done, purely on the basis of my appearance, not my behaviour. I’ve even had that from those in the Ace community, who aren’t used to seeing the kind of representation that looks like me. But it can be a good thing to be a living embodiment of the message I’d want to communicate regardless - that there is no one way for asexual people to look. The only response you can really give that might potentially make a difference is to continue being yourself, regardless of the reactions.
Yasmin wearing Pegasus Slip
How do you balance softness and strength in your activism?
It’s a difficult one to balance - because strength is essential for activism. That’s also what people want to see, and it’s what they project onto you. Softness is what people find relatable, but at the same time, you don’t want to show too much vulnerability or to make yourself look like an easy target. It’s really hard to communicate both online. The best I can do is try to make the inaccessible accessible, to put some fun and some sparkle into what is usually more drab and serious. I’m not trying to be a super strong, robotic figure, I like to show my personality from time to time, and my personality is actually pretty soft!
What would you say to someone who feels broken or “behind” because they don’t experience sexual attraction?
Everyone experiences sexuality differently, every single person on this planet, no matter what term they use to describe themselves. You are not broken for being different, your experience is just a natural variation of the human experience. People do like to infantalise asexuals because we might not have hit the same sexual milestones, the kind people use to signify maturity and growth, but that’s testament to their immaturity, not yours. Anyone who has even the most basic understanding of sexuality knows that sex is neither an achievement nor is it a characteristic of wholeness. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual, but there is something wrong with those who judge us for it.
How can partners, friends, and allies better support someone who is asexual?
It’s just about listening to what the asexual person wants or needs, and not leading with assumptions. Always start with something like, “What does that mean for you?” instead of, “So this can’t happen?” or “So you don’t want that?” A lot of the misconceptions and judgements I’ve heard in my personal life have been unintentional. Sometimes people try to show understanding by filling in the gaps for you, and making your experience easier for them to process, but in turn, they end up distorting it and making the asexual person feel like they have to combat these incorrect ideas. It can also be useful for the ally to deconstruct their own understanding of sexuality, including their own, as once you stop taking certain aspects of it for granted and assuming that’s just how it is for everyone, asexuality starts to make more sense.
What does inclusive sensuality look like to you?
Inclusive sensuality is when we challenge the idea that there’s only one right way to be sensual. It’s when we decentre it from sexual attraction and bring it back to the individual. Asexuality can so easily be included in more sex-positive spaces and conversations around sexuality and sensuality, as long as we untether it from just being about who you have sex with and how. It should be more about different forms of self-love.
If the world truly understood asexuality, what would change about how we see bodies, desire, and connection?
There are so many elements of sexuality that we take for granted. A lot of people don’t really think about the nuances of attraction beyond who it relates to gender. In the asexual community, we have to break it down. We have to look at how attraction develops, under what circumstances, at what frequency or intensity or duration, and how it relates or differs from how we do or don’t experience romantic attraction. We have to understand the distinction between things like libido, arousal, desire, attraction, orientation… We’ve had to look at human connection through a different lens. Conversations about sexuality are incomplete without asexuality. The world could learn from an asexual perspective.
LEARN MORE
Instagram @theyasminbenoit
Website: www.yasminbenoit.co.uk
International Asexuality Day website: www.internationalasexualityday.org
See asexuality.org for more resources
